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A Little About Us…

When I arrived in Japan nearly 15 years ago, marriage and kids…ah hell, being here longer than a year, was not even a notion in the back of my mind. And yet, here I am and here you are reading my thought dribbles.

I won’t go into (aka bore you) with all the gory details on how I arrived at this wonderful wacky place. Here I sit, a married mother of two, navigating my way through parenting and marriage in a foreign country.

Thing One and Thing Two (as they will be known henceforth) are the lights of my life. No one can make me laugh harder or weep more copiously than these two wee heart breakers. I started this blog because while I often share tidbits of our lives, via Facebook with family and friends, I wanted something more than just a snapshot of our lives.

Thing One came into our lives just a little over four years ago. He is (perhaps unfortunately) just like me – anxious, a little negative, and quick to anger. But he is also ridiculously smart and totally hilarious. I adore almost everything about this wee bugger. I think you’ll find him as entertaining as we do.

Thing Two made her appearance just a little over two years ago. She barrels through life with an abundance of energy, barreling over anyone and anything in her path. She is “Daddy’s Girl” and does not hesitate to shout that from the rooftops…from her car seat, her bed, while laying on the floor in the supermarket… you get the idea. She was an unexpected surprise, but her arrival completed our little family and added a dimension that was never expected.

I am not creating a Parenting Blog. Lord knows I am as much in the dark about how to keep these wee heathens alive and ensure they do not wind up as serial killers, as anyone. If this blog makes you laugh, if this blog makes you feel less alone, if this blog gives you some helpful advice (unintentionally, I’m afraid), then I have done what I set out to do.

So…that being said. Kick back with a cuppa, cocktail, bucket of chocolate… whatever suits you and have a wee look-see into our crazy lives. Thanks for reading (and subscribe for updates if you enjoy what you see)!

Featured

My First Blog Post

Don’t let our innocent faces fool you…

Friend: What’s parenting like?

Me: You know all the side effects they list on the prescription drug commercials? It’s like that.

– Unknown

Okay…so I haven’t ACTUALLY fed my kids to a rabid kangaroo…yet. Let’s just say it’s not entirely off the table. This is the first post on my new blog about being a foreigner raising kids in Japan. I’m hoping these stories will make you laugh or at least sympathise. I’m just getting this new blog going, so stay tuned for more. Subscribe below to get notified when I post new updates.

The Ski Lesson

The force of the expletive rolling off her tongue echoed like a shotgun across the towering birch trees, startling a flock of birds into the blue winter sky.

Blowing wads of snow out of her nostrils, she paused to take stock. Nothing really hurt, however, looking to her left and to her right, she could see the tips of her skis up near her ears.

The soft mound of snow she was sprawled on made a strangled sobbing sound…wait. What?

It all came rushing back in a flood:

Thing Two barrelling down the hill toward her at a breakneck speed… Her own panicked screams of “MAKE A PIE!!” echoed in her ringing skull.

The memory of Thing Two skiing right between her legs, brought her attention back to the weeping mound of snow beneath her.

Realizing her daughter was trapped beneath her, she lifted her body and tried to move her skis.

Spread eagle, like a wishbone being pulled, she realized her legs were practically nailed to the snow. Thing Two’s skis held the backs of her skis in place.

A bead of sweat rolled off the end of her nose and dropped into the snow.

In a rather non-motherly manner she instructed her young daughter to move her *ahem* skis.

Rolling onto her back she jabbed at the bindings of her skis with the end of her pole.

The pop of the bindings had her leaping to her feet.

Pulling her daughters skis facing across the hill, she kicked the skis into place and whisper-screamed for the 80000990765467th time, “I SAID – POINT. YOUR. SKIS. ACROSS. THE. HILL!!!!”

As the dark clouds of rage began to fade, she glanced around at the smiling families soaring joyfully down the slope, oblivious to the raging storm cloud flashing darkly over the centre of the hill.

“Let’s try again,” she muttered.

“But muuuuummmmyyyyy….I caaaannnn’t—“

“YES. You can. Now come on. There’s no crying in skiing.”

Catching on…

…And I Would Do It All Again

“Happy As Larry” – commonly referred to as Larry, is a mischievous reindeer who came into our lives while Thing One was just a baby.

He very quickly became a member of our family. I am often overheard asking the whereabouts of my various family members – including Larry.

Of course, that does not seem strange to any mum. Our children’s best stuffed friends worm their way into our hearts as solidly as our own children do, over time.

I’ve written about the antics of Larry in previous posts, and I can assure you, while he is still safe and sound in our home, his tendency to wander remains.

(Click the link below to read that epic tale)
https://ifedmykidstoarabidkangaroo.wordpress.com/2022/01/04/the-magic-of-friends/


Upon discovery, he continues to wear that cheeky, smug grin that both amuses and infuriates a person in equal measure.

It was no small miracle that our entire family – Hubs, Thing One, Thing Two, Larry, Old Lion, New Lion, Gordon, Camilla and myself – managed to travel from Japan to Australia and Thailand and on to The Wadge, unscathed and all together.

Feeling rather proud of our accomplishment, I let my eye wander from Larry for a moment and true to form, Larry did a runner.

Mummy? Where’s Larry?

This simple query from Thing One at bedtime, is enough to make my heart stop momentarily. While the resulting panic attack wells up inside of me, I frantically shuffle through the mental snapshots of the day, trying to recall the last time I saw that bloody reindeer…

Scoundrels

The hands of the clock ticked over to 10pm. The summer sun was finally starting to set over the quiet town of The Wadge. The silence of the peaceful, quiet northern town was shattered as the screams of joy and laughter, coupled with jet lag, were starting to wane.
Thing One and Thing Two were finally nestled snuggly in their beds. She opened the bedtime story and began to read softly, as the children’s eyes began to droop sleepily.
“Er, Mummy? Where’s Larry?”
Her soft reading stuttered to a stop and she swore softly under her breath.
“Oh for F—‘sake,” she uttered, more loudly than she had intended, “You didn’t leave him in Marathon, did you!?”
They had spent the day in the town of Marathon, about one hour away from The Wadge. She suddenly had a flash of memory. Larry had gone to A&W for lunch with them, and she hadn’t noticed him lurking about since.
“I think so…no! Wait! Yes! Er, no…. umm, maybe?” Thing One looked at her with tear-filled eyes. Even though he is not a baby anymore, Larry still holds reign as the number one protector at bedtime for Thing One. The thought of spending the night without him was unthinkable.

Racing down the stairs with her flashlight, she searched the yard and the car…twice.
Larry was nowhere to be found.
She turned back to the house to give Thing One the bad news.
Tears ran down his cheeks. Larry was gone again and this time he was really far away.
The soft voice of Thing Two whispered, “Here, Thing One. You can sleep with Camilla tonight.”
Thing One bravely blinked back tears, as he placed Camilla next to him, where Larry was meant to be.
She stroked back her son’s hair, and whispered, “We’ll call around and find him tomorrow, Baby Boy. Try to get some sleep. Wherever he is, Larry is going to be okay.”

She hoped deep within her heart, that she hadn’t just uttered a total lie to her son.

True to form, a phone call to the A&W in Marathon the following morning revealed the glorious news that Larry had been found – lurking under a table. He had spent the night in the office. The heroic woman on the phone revealed that she was a mum too, and when she found Larry, she just knew that he was well-loved, and that his best friend would be back to get him.

We rejoiced at the news that Larry had been found, and leapt into the car to make the journey to Marathon to pick him up.

“New rule! None of the special friends are to leave the house ever again…unless we are going to Nanny’s house!

I really need to write down all of my “New Rules”…

Gazing down at Thing Two, she did a quick check that everyone was present and tucked in: Camilla? Check. Snappy? Check. Mummy Bear? Check. Sister Bear? Check. Shiny Dolphin? Check. Grandpa Bear? Check. Kitty Cat? Check. Jerome the Giraffe? Check. Thing Two? Check.
Gordon? …..Gordon?

Oh… for the love of – Where the hell is Gordon!?”

With dread forming a dark pit in my stomach, I interrogated Thing Two about the last known whereabouts of her beloved teddy bear. We checked under all the furniture. We looked in the yard. We checked in the car. Gordon was nowhere to be found.

“He’s in bloody Marathon! I just know it!” she uttered angrily. Astounded that just a mere three weeks after Larry had done a runner, now Gordon had done the same. “I am NOT spending my entire Sunday driving back and forth to Marathon AGAIN! I am going now!” It was 9:40 pm, and the sun was still bright in the sky.
Hubs stared at her wordlessly for a moment, “What? You’re going now?”
The sounds of devastated sobbing coming from Thing Two’s bedroom made the decision for her.
As she raced out to the car, her next door neighbour inquired about where she was headed so late at night. Hearing the tale, she cautioned, “Be careful on the highway out of town. Those moose are hard to see at night. Oh! The things we do for our kids, eh?”

With one eye on the road, and the other scanning the side of the highway for moose and other creatures, I raced to Marathon for the second time that day. I was confident, mostly, that Gordon was on a trailer at a workshop yard. We had been negotiating the purchase of a truck that afternoon, while Thing One and Thing Two had played on a trailer. I had a mental snapshot of Gordon having the time of his life. I hadn’t been paying close attention, and had forgotten to do my attendance check before driving back to The Wadge.

I pulled into the workshop yard on two wheels. There was a party going on, and I could see one gentleman relieving himself in the grass next to the trailer, and another unfortunate soul, who was relieving himself of his stomach contents, not much further away. As I slammed the car into park and got out, the rain began to fall. Racing to the trailer, there was Gordon, staring happily up at me. He looked happy to see me, and I was certainly overjoyed to see him.

Giving Gordon a cuddle, I hurried back to the car and turned around to make the hour long trek back to The Wadge.

Glancing down at the clock on the dashboard, she noted that it was 11:15. The sky, so bright when she had left on this rescue mission, was now dark and stormy.
Realizing she was more than halfway back to The Wadge, she pressed down on the accelerator and pushed the car up to 110 kilometers per hour; thoughts of that glass of wine she had originally planned on having after the kids were in bed, returned.
“You had better appreciate this.” she muttered to Gordon who was comfortably laying on the passenger seat, grinning up at the rain drops on the window.
The car wound its way around the curve of the road and as she glanced up from Gordon, she noticed with horror that two massive moose were standing in the middle of the road!

“MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSE!”

Too terrified to utter her usual F words, she slammed her foot down onto the brake, cranking the wheel to the right and felt the car skid and shudder its way onto the gravel shoulder. Gordon, not wearing a seatbelt, flew through the air, hitting the dashboard and coming to a rest on the floor of the passenger side.

The moose turned to look at her, looked at each other – shrugged in a moose-y fashion – and sauntered off nonchalantly into the forest.

Hands shaking, and hyperventilating slightly, she pulled back onto the highway and continued on to The Wadge at 20 kilometers under the speed limit; honking the horn,
all the way home.

Moose. Standing, ironically.

Still shaken at the near death-by-moose experience, I nestled Gordon under the covers with Thing Two. The dried tears on her cheeks glimmered in the glow of her nightlight. In her sleep, Thing Two pulled Gordon in close under her chin, and smiled softly.

“Oh! The things we do for our children, eh?”
Indeed

Making a Splash

“Toto, I’ve got a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
– Dorothy Gale, The Wizard of Oz

The ‘Wadge is a small town, nestled in the picturesque hills and valleys of the Northwestern Ontario forests. By small, I mean that is has everything one could need – except for a Tim Hortons; and maybe a Walmart would be nice – but the small town feel is part of it’s charm.

As newcomers to The ‘Wadge, there was a surreal feeling in our hearts as we regained our balance from travelling from Japan to Canada.

Tokushima, Japan is by no means “a big city”, but the small town Ontario feel of The ‘Wadge was a bit more of a shock than we had anticipated.

In the spirit of adventure, we embraced the opportunity to involve ourselves in the community almost immediately.

Look, Mummy! The Wizard of Oz!

Lo and behold, the local catholic school, where Thing One and Thing Two were going to be attending, was presenting their bi-annual school play, The Wizard of Oz, on Friday night.

Thing Two begged to go to the play. She played Dorothy in her final school recital at her daycare in Japan in March, and she really wanted to go.

The Wizard of Oz

Being newcomers to the school, and to the community as a whole, we decided to go. To be fair, there weren’t many other options for Friday night entertainment, and maybe it was a way to introduce ourselves to some of the members of our new community.

She looked up at her husband as he descended the stairs.
He was dressed in his finery – a nice white shirt and black dress pants.
“You’re all dressed up!” she exclaimed, doubtfully glancing down at her jeans and T-shirt.
“On what other occasion am I going to have an opportunity to get dressed up?”
“Fair enough,” she responded. “Let’s get going then. Shall we walk or drive?”
“The school’s not far, let’s walk.” Hubs responded cheerfully.
And so, they set off.

The evening was warm, and the weather was fine. Groups of families were making their way to the high school where the play was being presented. The snow that had fallen earlier in the week, was all but completely melted. The lawn of the high school was lush and green in the evening twilight, and a stream from snow melt ran across the grass.

Hubs suggested, “Let’s walk across the grass instead of going up to the driveway.”

Crossing over the school lawn, we paused uncertainly at the stream. It was a little wider, and running a little faster than we had been able to see from the road.

“Ummm… I’m not sure this is a good idea-” she began to say.

Picking up Thing Two in his arms, Hubs jumped over the water, landing safely on the other side. Thing One waited patiently for Hubs to come back and help him to cross.

A sudden twist of foreboding in her stomach had her exclaiming, “Wait! I don’t think you should jump—“

As though time had slowed down, I watched in horror as Hubs leapt into the air. As his foot touched down in the grass, a look of horror came over his face. His foot slid through the wet grass. In an attempt to stop his forward motion, he twisted and landed flat on his back in the stream of snow melt. His head rocketed back and bounced off of the ground. He lay there, stunned.

Ignoring the crowd of onlookers in the parking lot, I bit back my giggles and rushed to help him up off the ground. I instinctively knew that this was not a time to laugh… well, not yet.

Hubs was soaked to the skin. His white shirt was caked in black mud. Rivulets of muddy water were running down the back of his neck and the seat of his pants was also caked in mud.

“The show starts in 20 minutes!” she said in a panic. “Do you think maybe you could just take off the shirt and just wear the T-shirt underneath?”
“NO!” Hubs roared. ” I am soaking wet!”
He turned and trudged back over the grass towards our home. “I’ll go change and meet you back here.”

Thing Two looked devastated as she watched her Daddy trudge away, soaking wet and more than a little embarrassed. I told her to stay exactly where she was and to not move, as I grabbed Thing One’s hand and walked across the lawn to the driveway and back to her.

Unsuccessfully holding back my laughter, now that Hubs was out of ear shot, the three of us held each other and laughed. Our entrance into our new community was nothing short of an epic tale that will be retold around dinner tables for years to come.

Gasping for breath, she reigned in her giggles and warned the kids, “Whatever you do, DO NOT laugh about this until Daddy is able to laugh about it. Trust me. Get it all out now, because when he comes back, you are not allowed to laugh about this. And for God’s sake, DO NOT mention this to anyone inside the school!

Entering the school, I paid for our admission, and explained to the teacher that my husband would be along shortly, as he had had to run home unexpectedly.

“Yeah! My Daddy fell in a mud puddle outside!” Thing Two announced loudly to anyone within earshot.

We never claim to do anything half-assed. So brace yourselves, dear unsuspecting townsfolk of The ‘Wadge, we have arrived!

Half-Way to Santa’s House

“So…I stepped away for like, two seconds…”
– the beginning of every parenting horror story

The next chapter begins…

I began this blog in 2020, as a means of keeping in touch with family and friends at home in Canada, as we experienced the highs and lows of life as a foreign family in Japan. The struggle to raise two non-Japanese kids in Japan was epic. We came through it with our superhero capes a wee bit ripped and torn, but we made it.

We were trying to make the decision whether or not to move home to Canada, so we sat down as a family to discuss the move:

Where are we going to live, Mummy?
A little town called “The ‘Wadge”.
Is that near Nanny’s house?
No…not really. It’s about halfway between Santa’s house and Nanny’s house.
Thing Two: YAAAAAY! Can we go to Santa’s house? Can we have Santa over for a barbeque?
Thing One: Halfway to Santa’s house? I thought you said we’re moving to Canada? Santa lives in Finland… Are we moving to Finland, Mummy?

No. We have not moved to Finland.

Today, I begin the new chapter of our story from the North-Western wilds of Ontario, Canada.

These stories will follow the lives and adventures of Thing One and Thing Two in The ‘Wadge – a little town nestled between Sault Ste. Marie and Thunder Bay, Ontario.

So, faithful readers…. many of you have asked when I would be writing of our adventures in Canada, and I jokingly responded – “Wait for the book.”

As I try to write a book and adjust to being back in my home country with my family, I hope you will continue to laugh and cry along with us as you read about our many adventures.

With love,
Jodi

Unwelcome

The cold wind whistled through the trees outside. Something in the neighbour’s yard – a branch or a shutter – was banging against the side of the house next door. Leaves skittered across the empty streets. The full moon hung in the sky, a hazy mist surrounded it and gauzy dark clouds drifted past.

Pulling the fuzzy blanket across her legs, and tucking her feet underneath herself, she settled back into her couch groove. With the kids tucked into bed, and a hot cuppa in hand, she felt the stress of the day melting away as she blew gently on the top of her tea. The steam rose into the air like ghostly apparitions in the dimly lit room.

A thump in the dark hallway captured her attention. Peering into the darkness, she waited for the tiny face of a wayward child, looking for a glass of water, or assistance in putting their feet back into bed, to appear.

No one appeared.

“Is someone there?” she called out.

There was no answer. Just another muffled thump, like a sneaky footstep on the stairs.

Sighing, she set her cup down on the table and stood up. Setting her face in a stern “Go back to bed” expression, she strode across the room and stepped into the dark hallway.

The darkness was almost palpable. Something was lingering in the dark. Watching… waiting….needing.

“Wh-who’s there? Thing Two? Thing One?”

Stopping short, she spied a small childlike figure standing just outside the door. She was a tiny little thing. She was dressed all in white, wearing what appeared to be a long nightgown. Her face was pressed against the wall, as though she was playing a game of hide and seek. Ribbons of gold flashed and sparkled along the length of her body, like an aura.

“Oh! There you are!” she stated aloud, in surprise. All thoughts of a child out of bed left her mind. She felt an overwhelming sense of relief at finally meeting the white apparition that spent its evenings running up and down the hallway. Without another thought, she walked past the little girl and went upstairs to check on her sleeping children.

She felt as though she was in a dreamlike state. There was no fear, only a sense of peacefulness.

When she came back downstairs, the little girl was gone. The house was quiet and her thoughts returned to her cup of tea waiting for her in the living room.

She gave the girl not another thought and settled into her relaxing evening once again. She didn’t even think to mention it to Hubs when he returned home.

***

Pop!

The suction cup holding the tea towel holder onto the cupboard door suddenly popped off and the towel fell to the floor. Sighing deeply, she cursed her attempt at frugality by buying the bloody thing at the ¥100 shop. She dutifully wiped down the cupboard and replaced the towel holder.

Turning to the fridge, she heard another “POP!” and a towel holder fell to the floor. To her surprise, it was the other towel holder that had fallen. Vowing to never shop at the ¥100 shop ever again, she replaced it.

Having finished up the dishes, she turned off the lights to go to bed.

POP! POP!

Both towel holders fell to the floor again. “Ugh. They can bloody stay on the floor,” she muttered. As she closed the door to the living room, she paused. She could swear she had heard a childish giggle come from the kitchen.

She shook her head and hurried up the stairs to bed, trying to ignore the feeling that she was being followed by the darkness.

***

The stony silence of the car ride home was heavy. Her daughter, in a childish outburst, had uttered the words that can break a mother’s heart into pieces.

I hate you Mummy.

While knowing in her mind that it was a childish utterance, and was not a bit true, her tired and heavy heart felt the full brunt of that blow.

They silently piled out of the car and went into the house. Heading straight upstairs to her bedroom, she couldn’t bring herself to say a word, other than a very firm “Go to your room.” The angry sobs of her little girl reverberated through the closed bedroom door.

Slumped on the edge of the bed, shoulders lowered in defeat, she held back tears as she explained to her husband what had transpired.

Assuring her, he would get to the bottom of it and help resolve the issue, he headed into the kids’ bedroom.

With the sounds of an angry temper tantrum echoing through the house, Hubs was having a difficult time reigning in his own temper.

“Come on Bud,” she said quietly to her son, “Let’s see what we can throw together for dinner and I’ll help you get ready for a shower.”

Sensing accurately that an argument would not be in his best interest, the normally stubborn boy said “Okay, Mummy” and took her hand gently to go down the stairs.

Defiant screams echoed down the stairs behind them, they held hands as they walked into the waiting darkness.

No one had turned on the lights, because no one had been downstairs yet. The normally bright and alive living area, was pitch black and cold.

The silence, broken only by the raging fury upstairs, was heavy.

Moving further into the room, she tightened her grip on her son’s hand. Something felt wrong.

“Mummy? What’s that noise?”

The mechanical ticking of a timer counting down the minutes clicked softly in the darkness. Moving further into the darkness, a fiery orange glow inside the toaster oven broke the looming darkness in the far corner of the kitchen.

Ding!

“Did Daddy come downstairs earlier?” she asked quietly.

“No. He’s been upstairs the whole time since we came home,” her son responded.

Holding her son behind her protectively, she reached out a trembling hand to grasp the handle of the toaster oven. Flinching back in pain, she let go of the white hot handle. She sucked her burnt fingertips and grabbed a tea towel to open the oven door.

With the oven door open, smoke billowed into the air.

The oven was empty. Unplugging the oven from the outlet, she hurried her son out of the kitchen.

Calling for her husband, she grasped her son’s hand and fled back up the stairs.

The sobbing from the bedroom had eased, but she found her husband standing in the hallway looking very pale and shaken.

This gentle man, who rarely raised his voice and certainly had never struck the children, was trembling as he explained how he had felt an incredible rage well up inside and had had to leave the room to keep himself from losing his temper at their wee daughter.

“There‘s something in this house. There is something negative in this house and it’s affecting us all,” she stated bluntly. She relayed what had happened in the kitchen downstairs and confirmed that he had not put anything in the oven.

As they talked, the events of the week suddenly flooded back into her mind. The little girl playing hide and seek and her seemingly disassociated reaction to it. The towel holders popping off the cupboard door and the childish giggles. The tangible presence in the darkness, pushing against her as she moved through the house.

She grabbed her sage, lit a spirit repelling candle and began her cleansing ritual.

“Evil spirit leave us. Only those wishing for peaceful coexistence may remain. Evil spirit you are not welcome here. Bring peace and protection to all those who live here. Evil spirits are unwelcome here.”

The words of her incantation twisted through the tendrils of smoke from the sage as she purposefully went from room to room.

Knowing that spirits will cling to the person doing the cleanse, she strode down the stairs, and out the front door. Standing in the road in front of the house, she said aloud “Evil spirits begone. You are not welcome here!”

A sudden gust of cold wind blew her hair back and she shivered. The branches of the trees had not moved, in spite of the strength of the wind.

Everything was still. The neighbourhood was quiet. A peaceful sensation settled upon her. It was over.

For now.

Frogs and Boogers: A Recipe for Disaster

THING TWO!! Get your finger out of your…NOOOO! Don’t EAT it! EEEWWWW!! GROSS!

Boogers are delicious, Mummy.

The early autumn sun reflected on the golden strands of Thing Two’s hair. Her cheeks were as rosy as apples. She was tanned from spending every day of the summer months playing outside with her brother and their friends, catching frogs, fish, snails and other creatures in the nearby rice and lotus root fields. She towered above the other students in her class as they made their way back to school following a trip to the park. I smiled as she laughed. She was the picture of health.

Just as I was having these thoughts, her finger went straight up her nose and then quickly into her mouth. This bad habit occurs so frequently these days that I’ve taken to calling her nostrils “finger pockets”.

It’s a horrible habit and I have not been able to break her of it. No amount of threats to take her to the doctor to have her fingers removed, her nostrils sewn shut or have tissues stapled to her face has been effective.

She’s five. Boogers are apparently delicious. Working in a daycare, and having once been five years old myself, I know she’s not alone.

My hope is that someday she’ll grow out of it. Most of us do.

Mummy? Where should I put this frog?

Eeeek! In the GARDEN! Do NOT bring the things you catch into the HOUSE! Put it outside and then go and wash your hands!!!

Thing Two is not scared of bugs and other slimy creatures. We have a veritable menagerie of relocated creatures currently residing in the sanctuary of our garden. So I was not overly surprised when her teacher approached me with a tale to tell of the morning’s adventures.

Jodi Sensei! Thing Two is so strong! Today she caught a frog and she wasn’t scared! I was so surprised!

I smiled and laughed as her teacher regaled me with the amazing story of Thing Two’s epic frog adventure.

All I could think as I listened to the teacher’s tale was, “I hope she washed her hands.”

Awww what a cute little bundle of germs. The frog, I mean.

Rounding the corner of the office, I spied a pair of long tanned legs stretched out on a cot. As I got closer, the bright pink shorts of Thing Two appeared.

What the- !? What happened!?

She has a fever and she says her tummy hurts.

Laying on the cot was a sad and pale version of my little girl. Her eyes, as round as dinner plates, filled with tears. Drops of sweat glistened on her pale forehead and two bright red patches glowed on her cheeks.

Where was the picture of health I had watched coming back from the park only two hours ago?

And so began the next 24 hours of rising fever, dry heaving and crying. I found myself repeatedly checking the expiration date on the medicine. It simply was not working.

What was causing this?

Collapsing onto the couch in exhaustion after finally getting Thing Two settled into a restless sleep. The fever had reached a peak of 39°C and showed no signs of abating.

This had come out of nowhere and had come fast.

*PING*

A new message appeared on my phone. It was a photo of Thing Two holding the frog that she had so bravely caught at the park today …. the frog.

THE FROG!

As cute as the little green monsters are, Dr. Google seems fairly insistent that hand washing is imperative following any sort of handling of frogs and turtles.

I mentally calculated the length of time it would have taken Thing Two to get from the park to the school and how many times her fingers went up her nose in that 10 minutes.

I estimated that Thing Two likely ingested the equivalent of a 12-course meal.

Feeling fairly confident my child wasn’t going to die in the night, I steeled myself for what was to come. What goes in, must come out. All the joys of parenthood were about to slap me in the face simultaneously it seemed.

Mummy? My tummy hurts. I don’t feel good. Can I sleep with you?

So began a very long night of laying wide awake attuned to every restless twitch, and silently panicking over the oven-like heat emanating from her tiny body.

Hey Baby Girl…how’re you feeling?

Not so good Mummy.

Do you know why this happened?

Yeh…Daddy told me. I should have washed my hands. Oh! And I’m gonna just pick my nose now. I’m not gonna eat it. I’ll just wipe it on a tissue.

Well, thank you Kermit for the life lesson. Silver linings and whatnot…

I Love Not Camping

“Goodnight guys! Sleep well… and Aaahggrrhh! DON’T TOUCH ME!! I AM SUNBURNT!”

I gingerly laid back on my pillow, which was still slightly damp from the previous night’s rainstorm, and the resulting puddles inside the tent.

Trying not to allow my sunburnt arms and shoulders to touch anything solid, including the ground, my hands were slightly outstretched in a defensive posture. My body was tensed for tonight’s battle for an inch of space to sleep.

Good night, Mummy…” Thing Two whispered as she curled up next to me, pulling most of my pillow out from under my head.

And so the night’s battle began…

Wincing as a rivulet of sweat ran into my eye, I stared in paralyzed horror at the shadow of what could only be the largest Huntsman spider I have ever seen climbing across the side of the tent. Trembling, I reached out and flicked it off, hearing a tremendous thump as it hit the ground and scurried away.

A sleepy voice came from behind me. “Was that a crab Mummy?

“Yes. Go to sleep.”

The soft sounds of my children settling down into sleep were drowned out by a great burst of raucous laughter and the resulting all-at-once chatter from the group camping next to us. Gasping in horror, I realized that I had become… old. There once was a time when I would have been grabbing a bottle of booze and heading over to join the party, instead of laying in my tent muttering about the rude inconsideration of others…

Don’t they realize that we have children, trying to sleep over here?

I rode the wave of my existential crisis for a few minutes; allowing memories of days gone by, old friendships and our crazy antics to wash over me…

THUMP!!

A tiny fist came hurtling out of the darkness and straight into my nose, bringing me crashing back into my current reality.

Flipping over onto my side, I hissed in pain as I was suddenly reminded of our long day at the beach and my inability to locate the sunscreen in the jumble of things we’d brought from home. It was likely lolling about in a bag next to my elusive sunglasses, or in a box, along with the kitchen sink.

I gingerly rolled onto my back, every movement feeling like knives being raked over my skin. Sighing, I closed my eyes, preparing for a night of fitful sleep.

A rustle in the darkness…. I sleepily opened one eye… ah, Hubs heading to the toilet. I closed my eye again, suddenly aware of a burning itch in the cut on the bottom of my foot. I’d sliced my foot open on an underwater rock earlier in the day and in spite of my best efforts to clean it, something had remained. Should I ignore it? The burning itch suddenly became stronger. Sighing, I climbed out of the tent in search of the first aid kit.

Quietly unzipping the door of the tent, my eyes peeled for the dinner plate sized spider, I attempted to step into the tent without waking anyone. Slightly unsteady with fatigue and nursing my freshly bandaged foot, I managed to trod on Thing Two’s ankle. In my haste to move, I stumbled again and stepped on Thing One’s ankle. In my haste to move again, I stepped on both of the kids’ legs at the same time, and fell onto the mattress, igniting a fiery storm of pain from my sunburnt skin.

The roar of an engine rumbled across the ground, startling me awake. Two giant headlights shone directly into the tent, bathing everything in a daylight glow. A second van pulled in behind the first and some surfers, just arriving for the O-Bon holiday, joyfully began setting up their camp sites.

I sat staring at the surfers in rageful silence until one of them, likely sensing waves of malevolence in the air, turned off the headlights. Eventually, the engines also silenced and I gingerly laid down again to find that Thing One had turned and stretched his body perpendicularly across my mattress, his feet resting comfortably on my pillow.

Having successfully turned Thing One around without waking him, I attempted to lay down again. Suddenly, a snarl, like an angry cat roared from my young son and he clawed at me and pulled at me until I was able to break free.

Muttering the F word and another strongly worded statement about my love of camping, I snatched my pillow from under Thing Two’s head, not caring in the slightest if I woke her. I moved myself to the foot of the tent and stretched out at the feet of my family. Glancing over at Hubs, who was sleeping peacefully with approximately half of the tent at his disposal, I punched my pillow and laid down.

THWACK!

I’d forgotten that Thing One has long legs now. He had just successfully kicked a field goal, using my head as the ball.

Wedging myself between my two sweaty children once again, I resigned myself to feeling like an overly crisp ration of bacon between two slices of buttery toast.

BIFF! POW!

As though they were a team of homicidal synchronized swimmers, my children simultaneously punched me in the temples and rolled over draping their sweaty arms across my neck and chest. My nose was already clogged from my allergy to the outdoors, and I found myself gasping for air.

With a silent roar of rage, followed by a sense of defeat, I snatched up my pillow, unzipped the tent and stomped off to sleep in the car.

By now it was 3:32 am and the campground was silent, except for the pulsating hum of someone else’s car. They’d left it on so they could sleep in the comfort of their air conditioning. Leaving the rest of us, specifically me, awake to sweat it out, with thoughts of the detriment to the environment and hopes that the car would run out of gas sooner rather than later, dancing through my head.

I fumbled around in the darkness in search of the lever that would allow the seat to fully recline. Hubs’ new car is like a space ship. I managed to adjust the tilt and possibly reprogram his music playlists before finding the right lever.

With my pillow nestled snugly over my ears, to drown out the undulating hum of our neighbour’s car engine, I laid back and closed my weary eyes. It didn’t take long for me to feel the first shiver of cold on my burning skin. I had forgone taking my blanket with me because Thing Two had been laying on top of it and because I’d been boiling hot for hours.

With a sigh, I flicked on the light in search of something soft to lay over myself. Spying my beach towel in the back of the car, I fought off the waves of agony as I reached over the seats to grab it.

Though the towel was slightly damp, it would do. I flicked the towel open, sending a cascade of sand into the air. Gently brushing the specks of sand from my face and chest, I wrapped myself up and attempted to sleep.

Zzzzzzz…zzzzzz

The annoying drone of a gaggle of hungry mosquitos woke me. I slapped them to death and sprayed bug repellent all over myself and probably the dashboard and went back to sleep.

The sound of the car door opening startled me awake. Hubs was up and ready to start his day. He was heading down to the beach to meditate and obtain healing energy for the long drive home.

With tears in my eyes I groggily uttered “I’ve had the worst night’s sleep of my life.
“You don’t have to get up now,” he whispered.

As he walked away, I saw Thing Two wandering around the side of our tent calling “Papa? Papa? Where’s Daddy!?”

Should I ignore her? No. The fire alarm sound of her wails of abandonment would surely wake up the entire campground.

Sighing, I opened the door of the car, catching sight of myself in the mirror. I was a horror show. My face, chest and shoulders were the bright red of a fire engine, my hair was a mass of frizz, dark circles shadowed my eyes and the rivulets of sweat had soaked through my shirt, leaving patches of sticky sweat.

Looking around the campground, I noticed the sound of silence. The car that had been running all night had gone quiet. I stared in astonishment as the door of that van opened. A modelesque woman emerged. Her makeup was flawless. Her hair was curled in beautiful beach waves.

Snarling, “I bloody hate camping” to myself, I stomped over to the cooler box to find something for Thing One and Two to eat for breakfast.

We were heading home today. In spite of my horrific night, a spark of joy at the thought of sleeping alone in the comfort of my own bed coursed through me, making me temporarily forget the heat, humidity and bad smells of a family camping trip.

I do love NOT camping.

It wasn’t all bad 😂

Lost

Dark clouds rolled angrily in the sky. The wind was howling, and the rain was pouring steadily. It was a dark and dreary day. The kind of day, that made one want to curl up under a blanket and watch movies. The kind of day that should be filled with nothing but hot cups of tea to keep the cold chill at bay.

Excitedly she waited on the corner at the intersection by their house. The wind gusted strongly, blowing her backwards into the guardrail behind her and flipping her umbrella inside out. Chuckling to herself at what a sight she would have been, had she been blown into the open gully behind her. She hardly noticed the driving rain and the gusts of wind as she spied the tops of the bright yellow umbrellas bobbing along next to the rice fields. Thing One was walking home from school with his neighbourhood walking group and this was the first time she was home to meet him.

Normally, she would be at work when Thing One made his way home from school. Hubs is usually the one to meet him, as his schedule gives him the freedom to be there. Today was a national holiday, and Thing One had had a parent observation day (Sankanbi) at school and he had asked her to meet him instead of Daddy just this once.

Having attended the sankanbi, she had confirmed with Thing One before she had left the school, that he would walk home with his walking group as usual, and she would be waiting at the main intersection to meet him.

As the group approached, her smile faded and stomach started to drop.

He wasn’t there.

Doublechecking that this was the same group he walks to school with, she frantically scanned the faces again. Being the only foreign kid, and the only one not wearing a mask, he should stand out.

He was not there.

Had he misunderstood where they had agreed to meet? Did he think she was meeting him at the school gates? She hadn’t thought so…

Recognizing the next door neighbours, she tried to keep the growing panic out of her voice as she asked, “Where is Thing One? Is he not with you?” and just in case her Japanese was not understood, she asked again, “WHERE IS THING ONE!? DID HE NOT COME HOME WITH YOU!?”

It took everything she had to not grab the 6 year old girl by her lapels and shake her, when she and her mother expressed surprise that Thing One was not just behind them in the line. “WHERE DID YOU LAST SEE HIM?”

A murmur of surprise, bubbled through the group at the realization that one of their members was not where he was supposed to be. She began to feel a simmering level of panic and frustration bubbling inside as the group turned and scattered in different directions to get home and out of the driving rain.

No one could give her an answer as to where he might be, so she frantically asked the neighbour to let Hubs know that she was heading to the school to find him, and took off across the street, her umbrella now blown inside out and hanging by a thread.

She didn’t notice her umbrella had been destroyed by a massive gust of wind. Her baby boy was not where he was supposed to be and nothing else in the world mattered except for finding him.

She ran up the road, her hair plastered to her her forehead, the remnants of her umbrella hanging limply in her hand. There were no yellow umbrellas cheerfully bobbing along the road now. All of the kids had made it home safely.

All of the kids, except for her precious boy.

Every scary movie; every horror novel; every dark and twisted news article she had ever read came flooding into her mind. Had some horrid demon clown lured him into a sewer on this cold rainy day? Had he wandered off into traffic and no one noticed he’d been flattened by a truck? Had he fallen into a rice paddy and been run over by an oblivious farmer plowing his field? Had some horrid child grabbed him and taken him away to bully him or harm him?

As she rounded the bend in the road, she spied a small figure, trudging along, hunched sadly under a cheerfully yellow umbrella, and encumbered by school bags. The sounds of sobbing echoed across the rice fields and drowned out the sound of the gusting wind.

With tears of relief in her eyes, she broke into a run.

“Muuuummmmmyyyyyy!” he sobbed. He looked up at her, tears streaming down his bright red cheeks. His eyes were like saucers in his tiny face and he looked so small and defeated under his huge umbrella and slightly too big school uniform, bright blue dinosaur rainboots on his tiny feet.

He tried to answer her questions about what had happened and why he was walking home all by himself, but his sobbing tale was muffled by her jacket because he was clinging to her, his shoulders shaking with sobs.

“The group was waiting…” “…huge crowd of people…” “… they were gone…”

White hot rage sparking through her relief, she replied, “WHAT!? They left without you!? I’ll have Daddy call the school and complain–“

“No Mummy. I got mixed up. I was with my walking group, but there was a huge crowd of people…” he explained, starting to cry again, “I got mixed up and followed the wrong group.”

Her rage dampened, she replied, “Okay, I guess we won’t call the school and complain.”

“A lady in the group noticed me and said I was in the wrong group, so I managed to find the roads that they always take me down and I found my way home. I was so scared Mummy, but… I saw an interesting tractor plowing a field.”

Chuckling at his shift in conversation, she gave him a squeeze, “You must have been so scared, sweetie. But I am so proud of you that you were clever enough to find your way back home.”

Relieved that her dreamy and often off with the fairies boy, had actually been paying attention all these weeks, she made them each a hot cup of tea and they cuddled on the couch as the cold rain lashed the windows and gusts of wind blew the trees wildly in the yard.

Lost… found and home safe and sound.

Invisible Mummy

With her heart aching, she reluctantly let her son’s hand go, calling out “I love you! Be a good boy! Listen to your teacher!” as he joined his walking group and took his first steps toward elementary school and his bright future.

All set for the first day of school

While feeling so very proud of him for facing these new challenges with eagerness and determination, in her heart she desperately wished she could take his hand and go to school with him.

He’s off onto his greatest adventure so far

Thing One has entered first grade of elementary school and with that has brought a new routine, a new mountain of things to remember to pack, sign and organize and a separation that has brought a bittersweet mixture of pride and sadness into my heart.

That first day was tough.

Having rarely been apart since he was born, on this momentous day, Thing One was not far from my mind. My stomach was in knots. I watched clock tick backwards all morning until Thing One would be home from his first day of school. At 11:50 on the dot, with shaking hands I dialled our home phone number, not knowing what to expect.

Hey Buddy, how did it go? How was your first day?

It was good, Mummy! But I missed you. I didn’t cry though. Some kids cried, but I didn’t cry. I wanted to…but I didn’t.

It hasn’t taken long to settle into our new routine. Each morning, I walk with Thing One and his walking group to the corner of the main road, give him a kiss goodbye and wave him off as they waddle like ducks across the road and onwards to the school.

Waving and smiling, she wished her son a good day and watched as he walked up the road, laden with bags, and an umbrella. She paused and noticed that he was holding the hand that she’d been holding as they walked together in a strange position. Chuckling to herself in wonder at what story or game he was playing in his head, and turned to head back to the house.

Each day, I look forward to our lunchtime telephone chats. Thing One regales me with tales of new friends he’s met:

That strange boy and girl came and talked to me again today, Mummy.

Did you remember to ask them their names?

Oh. No. I forgot again.

He tells me about his teacher:

I had to read for Sensei today, Mummy.

Oh? Did she say you’re a good reader?

No. She didn’t say anything. She just made some happy sounds.

He tells me of his frustrations:

I had to draw a line Mummy. But my pencil wasn’t cooperating. I wanted to yell at it, but instead I just gave it a smack and then it behaved itself.

Overall, Thing One is happy so far at school. In a very short time, he’s become more confident, more mature and more thoughtful towards others. But inside, he’s still Mummy’s Boy and some days are tougher than others.

I was walking to school today Mummy, and I missed you. So I held my hand the same way it is when you’re holding my hand and pretended you were walking with me. Then I felt better.

There’s that mystery solved…

When my heart starts to hurt Mummy, I don’t cry. I just pretend that you’re there, but you’re invisible and only I can see you.

Invisible Mummy is always there to give a cuddle.

Evil Has an Innocent Face

The warm spring sun gleamed down from the azure blue sky, striking the girl’s caramel brown locks. She shimmered with youthful exuberance as she jumped and splashed and played in the shallow waves. Her childish giggles rippled across the sand, as a cold early spring wave lapped at her ankles and she ran away up the sand.

Her energy and carefree innocence filled him with wonder and he couldn’t tear his eyes away…..

We have been lulled into a false sense of security, living in Japan. Especially in the area we live in, the crime rates are low and people in the community still know each other enough by sight to occasionally nod in greeting.

Japan is a “safety country”, or so I’ve been told. I’ve laughed this off, in the wake of learning that there are vending machines that sell school girls’ used undies. I’ve laughed this off, as groups of drunken salary men have grouped around me in hopes of scoring themselves a Russian prostitute for the evening. I’ve laughed this off, after being followed home, groped and assaulted by a stranger who took my passing glance his way as an invitation.

But yet, from day to day, I can send my kids over to the neighbourhood park without much concern, other than strong admonishments to “NOT GO ANYWHERE ELSE” and “LOOK BOTH WAYS BEFORE CROSSING THE STREET”. I can go out for a night out with the girls and walk back to my car alone without much concern.

As the years have gone by, I have been lulled into a false sense of security.

During the recent long weekend, we decided to take the kids south to camp and reunite with friends we haven’t seen in the past two years.

The warm sun, the clear blue sky reflecting on the gentle ocean waves and the long stretch of white sand gave us the illusion of a real get away.

Idyllic

We pitched our tent at the end of a long row of tents and set up our home for the weekend. The license plates on the cars around us were from all over Japan. Calls of greetings were loud and joyful and none were muffled by the usual “facial adornments” we’ve become accustomed to seeing. Smiles were plentiful and there was a sense of community amongst the campers.

Thing One and Thing Two were overjoyed to have the space and freedom to run and play. I even felt relaxed enough to occasionally take my eagle eye off them momentarily to talk with friends or read a few pages of my book.

“Good morning!” a booming voice called out cheerfully. They stopped and turned to greet the friendly stranger. As she turned to say hello, her daughter ran over to the man and gave him a big hug.

“Errr, is she hugging me!?” he asked incredulously.

“It would appear so,” she laughed. “Thing Two! Don’t hug people we don’t know!”

As they continued on to the toilet block, she quietly admonished her daughter about not talking to strangers and especially not hugging them.

“But Mummy, he looks like Daddy…”

“I don’t care if he looks like Daddy. Do not hug strange men please.”

The toilet block was one area of the beach that I was not comfortable having the kids go to alone.

To reach the secluded toilet block, one had to ascend a short flight of stairs, and pass through a shady tunnel of trees…

Mummy! I need to do a pee pee! I want to go by myself. Can I go by myself Mummy?

Thing Two is going through an independent phase. She wants to do everything by herself. As a mum, I struggle to relinquish my role as caregiver, and give her the freedom to grow and explore.

I had absolutely no intention of allowing her to go off to a public toilet alone, but to give her a sense of freedom and independence, I let her go ahead of me a little bit before I got up to follow her.

Watching her daughter skipping and dancing across the footbridge towards the tree tunnel, a sense of foreboding came over her. It was if a shadow had suddenly passed over the sun, and she was chilled.

A man she’d not seen before was walking behind her daughter. As the little girl slowed, he slowed. As she sped up, he sped up. It was as if he was making sure to keep the same distance between himself and her precious little girl.

Something was not right. I felt it in my gut. I increased my walk to almost a run. If you know me, you know I never, ever run.

As she dashed through the end of the darkened tree tunnel, she could hear her daughter singing and talking to herself in the family toilet room. She rounded the corner, the man was standing just outside of the toilet door. Just out of sight of her daughter.

“Thing Two!” I called out loudly. The man started and moved quickly away from where he’d been lurking. He moved over to the wall overlooking the beach and acted as if he was looking at the ocean.

Not wanting to alarm Thing Two, I didn’t say a word to him but if looks could kill, that man would be dead a million times over.

Thing Two quickly finished up and we headed back to the beach.

As we walked, Thing Two skipped ahead of me, completely unaware of the danger she may have been in. The man had walked past me and kept turning to glance at me. I kept my face stony and kept my eyes firmly fixed on Thing Two.

As we sat down again on the beach with our friends, I watched that man head back to his campsite. I took note of where he was and who he was with.

He was alone. And by that evening, he had packed up his tent and left…

Once Thing Two was settled down to build an escape tunnel to Canada with Thing One, she left them under the watchful gaze of their friends and went to find Hubs. Explaining what had happened, they agreed. Neither child would be going anywhere unsupervised. Especially not to the toilet block.

Perhaps it was innocent coincidence… Perhaps I’ve watched too many episodes of Dateline on YouTube… But I am unsettled by that experience. My instinct tells me that man was up to no good. I am forever grateful that the childish innocence of Thing Two was not stolen from her that day.

My beautiful princess

Was this a brush with evil? Or was this a sign from the universe warning me not to continue living within the illusion of Japan being a “safety country”?

Thank god I’ll never know for sure.

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